Recently, on Yaakov Langer’s podcast, Inspiration for the Nation, the topic of shiduchim was discussed. One of his guests, well-known shadchan Lisa Elefant, shared her perspective on the role of a shadchan. She believes that shadchanim should be compensated after a few dates, even if the match doesn’t work out, because of the significant time and effort they invest in arranging the dates, coordinating with the couple, and offering guidance. She said, “People have to start realizing the value of a shadchan, the value of a shadchan’s work. I feel people should start paying if you have a successful 2 or 3 dates..”
Nachi Gordon, founder of Meaningful Minute and Meaningful People Podcast, and Laibel Weiner, of Mislabled Podcast, however, strongly disagreed. Nachi brought up a story about Kobe Bryant, who, when asked about being up 2-0 in the NBA Finals and why he didn’t seem more excited, responded with, “Job’s not finished.” Nachi’s point was that the work isn’t complete until a shidduch is made, and payment should not come for an unfinished job. Laibel agreed with Nachi, stating that shadchanus is ultimately a chessed space. He said that while showing appreciation to a shadchan with something like a bottle of wine or flowers is thoughtful, expecting payment after just a few dates crosses the line. This sparked a big debate, with strong arguments on both sides. CBN, a popular whatsapp group, picked up on the conversation, and here’s how some followers responded.
1.”My aunt is a very successful shadchan. She got into shidduchim because she has a large family bh and when her first daughter was about to enter the market she asked what she could do to help her children find shidduchim easily. She was told, “if you help Hashem’s children he will help yours.” To date I believe she made well over 200 shidduchim. As for her children bli ayin horah all of her children have had a pretty easy time with shidduchim as they enter the market (and I’m talking about around 15 children married and 2 still in yeshiva).
I don’t think she would ever entertain taking money before an engagement. She puts her life and soul into shidduchim, and if anyone can ask for money after a few dates it would be her, but she would ask nor would she accept it if offered.”
2.”I totally agree with you but lmaaseh the “big”shadchanim treat it like real estate commissions. They figure if the father has money and he’s “buying” an eidem then they should get a nice brokers fee. And to be honest isn’t your child’s lifetime partner worth as much as a building?
The issue is that these same shadchanim deal with all people that way, and in general sound very money oriented (not just to cover expenses and time etc).”
3.”There is a big distinction between a career shadchan and friend/neighbor.
Everything said does not apply to the former.
The shadchanus industry (i.e. career full time shadchanim) needs to command decent compensation if you want talent to be drawn to it.”
4.”Yes, they should ideally be paid only after the job is done. However, if there is sufficient demand, they can absolutely charge an upfront fee, just like any consultant service with a steady stream of clients. Charging an upfront fee is a smart idea, as there are only 24 hours in a day, and they can only handle a limited number of clients, not hundreds or thousands.”
5.”Isn’t there a financial obligation to pay shadchanus if it works out? That’s by definition means it’s a business. There’s no such thing as chesed that results in a financial obligation. It’s an oxymoron. The main point is you either get paid for outcome or for time spent. You can’t have it both ways. Real Estate agents don’t get paid for showing houses. They only get paid if they make the sale.”
6.”Dumbest rant I’ve ever ever heard from you fact of the matter is there not enough shadchanim!! we should have equal amount of shadchanim as real estate realtors!! (same amount of people need houses need to get married) our community is growing by leaps and bounds every single day the same five shadchanim for the last 20 years. The reason there’s no shadchanim is because you can’t make a living by being a shadchen. Why is the match making service different than any other kosher service. Why for facilitating this service don’t we pay the facilitators. A broker for an average house makes $30,000. Same should be by shuduchim. We wouldn’t have a crisis if ppl well be making money of shiduchim. So I understand that we can’t afford any extra wedding money. But if a shadchan gets someone to go on three dates and the shiddich goes south. After all these hours of work they should be compensated for there time.”
7.”I don’t agree, and I don’t think this attitude is correct based on yiddishkeit.
The chiyuv to pay a shadchan comes from having to pay a broker.
There were gedolie yisroel, when they wanted to purchase something that would be theirs without any doubts (like daled minim) would use the money they got for shadchanus, because thats “guaranteed kosher money” that they are 100% entitled to. Now, agreed that this chiyuv only kicks in after a successful shidduch, but the attitude that this is a chesed that every single is entitled to is also incorrect.
From an article by Rav Doniel Neustatd:
Question: Is it a requirement to pay a shadchan for his services or is it just proper etiquette?
Discussion: As with any other business transaction, a shadchan must be paid a fee for arranging a shidduch.[23] It makes no difference if the shadchan was engaged by one of the parties or if he volunteered his services or even if the shadchan is non-professional; in all cases the shadchan must be paid for his services. The shadchan may petition a beis din to force the parties to pay his fee.”
8.”Yes they do put in a ton of work in as you know. My wife has made a bunch of shidduchim so I get to watch first hand how hard it is, she’s busy day and night setting dates up and majority don’t work out. She and most ppl like her do it completely for chesed, they don’t demand any money and are appreciative for whatever comes their way. No I don’t think what Lisa is proposing is sustainable because not everyone can afford paying shadchanim $100-$200 after every couple of dates it adds up quickly. BUT I don’t believe Lisa is anything like those shadchanim and we both know who they are, that demand the big bucks. My wife deals with her and her organization alot. These are ppl that make their entire lives about making shidduchim, and don’t make parnasaah elsewhere. So them wanting a few bucks thrown their way after they’ve worked very hard (even if the “job isn’t finished”) is not such a crazy ask.”
In conclusion, these are complex issues, and there is undoubtedly a need for more shadchanim. The work of shadchanim should always be valued and appreciated, as they play such a crucial role in the continuation and growth of Klal Yisroel. The nuances of how to properly compensate them are not simple, but the main point is clear: shadchanim should be held in the highest regard and deeply appreciated for the holy work they do. We would love to hear your thoughts on this!
Below is the full episode from Inspiration from the Nation”
What if a couple gets divorced? Do they get a refund?
If there aren’t enough shadchanim, paying more is a no brainer.
It doesn’t really make a difference if it’s in raising the fee for a successful shidduch or there being a fee for a suggestion which is good enough to yield a few dates.
The shadchanim need to get paid more so that more people get involved in shidduchim.
To anonymous: no.
So shadchanim can push for 2-3 dates so they get paid, will they refund the cost of the dates too or only push for 3 so they can get paid, this is ridicules, back in the days shadchanim looked at this as an opportunity to get Schar but I guess rewards from Hashem is not cool anymore
Shadchanim get rewarded from Hashem, shame on the once that feel underpaid, you need more Hshkafa not money
Do you also want your plumbers, grocery stores, teachers, etc. to work for free?
Don’t mix business with mitzvah
Is Chaverim that helps people on a daily basis ask to get paid? No cause they truly appreciate the mitzvah
I think Shadchanim should evaluate their status in life, if they wanna work for a living or help a fellow Jew for a living, and all shiduchim issues will miraculously disappear
I think that what Lisa meant is that if someone would like to send a gift of appreciation, a simple check- even a moderate amount, let’s say the value of a floral arrangement – would be very helpful. Even if it is assumed that the shadchen does not need “the money”, that assumption should not be made. There are women involved in shidduchim whose husbands live very “large” but keep their wives on pathetic budgets. There are also women who are gifted expensive clothing and jewelry by a loving parent or sibling and are assumed wealthy, but do not have enough money to pay their grocery bills. If the shadchen really doesn’t need it, she will surely donate it to tzedakah. If a woman is upset that she spends time trying to make shidduchim and is not compensated for trying – well, I would say that she is not cut out for it. I find that this is true with Rabbanim. If they expect compensation every time they help a congregant, then they chose the wrong field.