Is There Really A Way to Upgrade Your Marriage?
Sary’s imaginary husband was very warm and affectionate. He always greeted her with a huge smile and kind words. He bought her the perfect gifts and was so thoughtful. Esther’s imaginary husband always knew just the way to comfort her when she was down. He would say “ I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, what can I do to make you feel better…?” Leah’s imaginary husband always offered to clean the kitchen after supper and never left a mess. He replaced light bulbs and fixed broken parts as soon as she asked him or even before she asked him. Devorah’s imaginary husband was so punctual and always accompanied her to events arriving perfectly on time. He took great care in his appearance too. Atarah’s imaginary husband has that perfect balance of a gentle loving father and an authoritative figure.
We all have fantasies about what the men we married should be like. Your imaginary husband may be a combination of your father, brother, and uncle. Being married to a fantasy is both comfortable and safe, and very painful and lonely at the same time. Many women suffer from so much disappointment because their real flesh and bones husband is failing miserably in comparison to their imaginary husband. That’s when he may stop trying, withdraw, or become explosive.
When you divorce that imaginary man, you make room for the imperfect husband that Hashem gave you, who is perfect for you and your tachlis in this world. He is perfect for your growth and self-improvement, perfect for achieving true happiness by working to cultivate a beautiful bond in the face of challenges. What you will find in the place of your fantasy is the imperfect human being that was chosen for you before you were born. Today’s society often tells us what your husband should be giving to you, or how his past and limitations are obstacles in your path to happiness. The expectation is that we should be experiencing something different. What fills out minds is negative thoughts about our lives and the ramifications are damaging.
Did you ever wonder why two people can go through the same experience and one will come out strong and healthy and one one will come out weak and unwell? what I want to share with you is a very scary phenomenon- our reality is created by our thoughts, whatever you focus on whatever you think about ,there is a big probability that that is what you will see. Our thoughts contribute to creating our reality.
For example, let’s say you have a woman whose husband has ADHD characteristics. She is constantly thinking about her husband’s lack of organization, about how forgetful he is, about his inability to get things done around the house in a timely fashion, about his poor executive function. Her life is misery. She has so much resentment. He’s very aware about what a disappointment he is to her. He’s constantly defensive and withdrawn. he prefers to be out of the house. He’s struggling with depression, he realizes that he has a problem but he’s so tired emotionally and physically just trying to survive that he has no emotional strength to deal with it.
You have another woman who has the same type of husband with ADHD characteristics, but she chooses to think about the amazing gifts that he has brought to her life- his creativity, he has a heart of gold, his people skills, and about the wonderful father he is, he’s funny, he’s smart and flexible. Her focus is what she sees, her perspective is creating her reality. She’s happy in the relationship. She can respect him. Of course she is frustrated sometimes by him too. She learned to be patient until things get done. She has more cleaning help to compensate for his weaknesses. She hires more outside help. As time goes on, she accepts her husband’s weaknesses and celebrates his strength and she isn’t bothered by his limitations. Don’t we all have limitations! Over the years with emotional safety, respect and love he has learned how to compensate for his weaknesses and to meet his wife’s needs. He figures out how to bring in a parnassah. He feels good in his marriage and he has the emotional energy to help himself be the best he can be in every area of his life. Thinking about and focusing on his positive attributes created a beautiful reality. Our thoughts are so powerful!
The Go4Harmony Teleconference will teach you a new way to think, the Torah true way. With the support of other women that are on this journey together with you, you will learn how your thoughts affect your feelings which in turn affects your actions, which in turn affects the way he responds to you. You will be empowered to become your best self while inspiring your husband’s best. When you let go of who you thought you should have married and let Hashem in your life, you will I”H experience true harmony within yourself and in your home.
Go4harmony presents the most practical and effective approach to Shalom Bayis. A must for every married woman! Join the Shalom Bayis LIVE teleconference beginning this Tuesday November 5th at 9:30PM.
Call the Go4Harmony Hotline 6467871900 and press 2 to listen to an introduction and excerpts of the teleconference! Text “Go4harmony” to 77948 to join the first class for FREE!
The Go4harmony teleconference includes an anonymous online chat/group text to access 24/7 support! Go4Harmony offers a free 10 minute consultation to see if relationship coaching is a good fit for you! Participation in all Go4harmony services is anonymous- we will never ask you your name!